Things That Happen to You When You Are This Pregnant

I have learned a lot in the last couple of weeks. I won't detail all the physical aspects of being this pregnant, but I have made some anthropological/cultural/psychological observations. When you are this pregnant:

People smile at you a lot, especially when you are exercising. I like to think it's the community project you are working on: the whole continuation of the human race thing. Or that you are shaped so funny. Either way, it's encouraging.

It's like you have swallowed a hand grenade. Any sudden shifting in your seat, gasps for breath, pauses can cause great alarm in people near you. For the record, I think I am not "gonna blow."

You get lots of strange, unsolicited advice. In counseling me about how to get the baby out, people have told me things about their sex lives and bowel movements that maybe their doctors don't know. This enthusiastic candor has been amusing, if not entirely helpful (although if ANY of suggested stuff ends up working, I will publish a detailed list of thank-yous).

You are highly entertaining. It turns out being in a really foul mood makes people laugh. Enjoy it now, people. Because when this kid comes out, I am going to be writing such sweet, lovey-dovey stuff about it (provided I can forgive it), your teeth will hurt. All this sarcastic spew will only last till Wednesday, at which time you can go back to reading Perez Hilton.

You are suddenly popular. The outpouring of love, support, encouragement and sheer interest has made this interminable waiting more fun.

The Kindergartner

On a walk this morning, I passed Lu's school just in time to see her returning from Spanish class. She just waved and yelled "Hi, Mom. Hi, Clifford" then went into her portable with little fanfare. The fact that she's more interested in returning to class than the thrilling disruption of her mother must be a good sign.

Her favorite part of kindergarten so far is eating in the cafeteria. She reports with delight all the brown foods she chooses. The schoolwork has left her nonplussed (cutting? the letter "m"?), but we are hoping that once Ms. P., her teacher, gets to know them all better, they will be grouped and challenged according to ability level.

We love Ms. P., who is experienced and very cool — she seems like the kind of person who will appreciate Lu. At back-to-school night, we explained that Lu likes to know where the line is and have her toes firmly on it. Ms. P. said, "Yes, I have noticed that, but she's a lot of fun." The first rule of Ms. P's class is "Don't do anything that's going to cause a problem for you or anybody else." Lucy made it seven whole days without breaking this rule. She came home yesterday with her behavior rated yellow, as opposed to green, which is good, or dreaded red, which goes on your permanent record or something.

She comes home pretty grouchy, tired and hungry every day. I think we underestimated what a big change this would be for her. It's probably good that Lemon has waited to give her this small window to adjust. Incidentally, Lucy has completely given up asking when Lemon is coming.

"Wild Animal"

This morning at the doctor's office, Jason said, "You're like a wild animal. And I'm scared of you." We're not even talking about labor here — this is just a routine 40 WEEK AND 4 DAY doctor visit.

So, here's what we're up to here on Animal Planet:

I am 3 centimeters. This may or may not be true since I threatened to punch Dr. P. in the face if I was still 2.5. Either way, I'm officially 3 (and 80% effaced).

Dr. P. stripped my membranes. That is way too much information, but it's just Animal Planet, right? If you're curious what this unpleasantness is all about, Wiki it (no, I won't even link to it).

Lemon's cool. Dr. P. did some checking of vitals, amniotic fluid, etc. and there's no medical reason to make Lemon come out yet. Which is good. During the sonogram, I asked if he could see a sound system or a ping pong table in there and he said, "No. Just an iMac."

We have an induction scheduled for next Wednesday. While Lemon is cool now, babies aren't really meant to stay in there past 41 weeks or so. Basically Lemon has one week before being forcibly evicted. Upside of this is a pretty cool birthday (9/9/9). However, Lemon: any day between now and then would be a better birthday, I think. Otherwise I might have to eat your father.

40 Weeks, 3 Days FAQ

Actually, this isn't so much an FAQ, because people have kindly stopped asking me questions. In fact, two different people who saw me dropping Lu off at kindergarten this morning simply said, "Uh oh."

Yes, uh oh. I have done two acupuncture treatments, eaten red Thai curry, walked and walked and walked on my twisted ankle, done various other ignoble things to help Lemon into this world.

I have now been pregnant for 17 days longer than I was with Lu. This is a colossal lesson in patience for me.

One Day's Notice

NOTICE OF EVICTION

Tenant,
YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED of the termination of the lease of the premises of my womb, situated in the City of Austin and County of Travis, State of Texas, together with all organs, shared blood supplies, buildings, sheds, garages and other structures used in connection with said premises.

YOUR LEASE OF SAID PREMISES WILL BE TERMINATED ONE DAY AFTER SERVICE OF THIS NOTICE.

Dated this 30th day of August 2009.
Signed,
Landlord

The Power of Positive Thinking

So when I went to the doctor yesterday to find out I was only at a 2.5, "disappointed" was an understatement. I was so "disappointed" that I left the doctor's office in huff, and had to delay writing anything about the fact that I am still pregnant because I had nothing to write other than cuss words.

Today, I decided to change my outlook. Instead of being mad about waiting (mad at Jason, my doctor, Lemon, myself, passers-by), I have decided to stop waiting for Lemon to be born. I am thinking of these last few days of pregnancy as borrowed time. Time where I can sit quietly by myself and listen to NPR. Get my car washed. Read a book. Go for a walk.

And boy, it's good thing I changed my outlook, because when I was on that walk, I fell down and TWISTED MY ANKLE. Without that better attitude, being laid up in bed with an even puffier left ankle and foot would REALLY SUCK.

But I do thank those kind folks at the bus stop who saw me fall down and did absolutely nothing to help me. You have given me someone I can really be mad at.

Coyote Pregnant

I hesitate to even write this post, because so many pregnant women go to their due dates and beyond (I know because people have delighted in telling me these stories), but as of last night, I have reached the state called "Coyote Pregnant."

Midori introduced me to the concept a couple of weeks ago. She described it as "being willing to perform one's own C-section." She would know, she has three kids.

I searched home remedies for inducing labor last night, and while I won't detail them all here, because they are guh-ross, I will say that a favorite is castor oil. I had thought of castor oil as some old Appalachian remedy (they were always administering it on "The Waltons"), but apparently it can be purchased and consumed by modern people...desperate, pregnant, modern people who start to expel the contents of their intestines and hopefully uteruses within hours of taking it. For now, I will pass.

Yesterday at the office, people seemed disappointed to see me, like, oh you're still here. I'm now a fifth-season dramedy that people have stopped watching for lack of plot advancement. It is getting embarrassing to still be on the air.

While I confess today to being Coyote Pregnant (and not yet Castor Oil pregnant), I realize that if I stay pregnant until Sunday, I will have nothing to write about. I may be inventing a new category of pregnant that describes being willing to take castor oil and perform your own C-section with safety scissors.

The Most Pregnant I Have Ever Been

Lucy was born 15 days before her due date. That would have been Friday for this baby. And while I am not "ready" or even in a particular hurry (despite the medicine cabinets, there is work stuff not wrapped up, a room not done, kindergarten not started), it is weird and uncomfortable to be more pregnant with each passing day. And all signs indicate I will only be more so. Good lord.