Coyote Pregnant

I hesitate to even write this post, because so many pregnant women go to their due dates and beyond (I know because people have delighted in telling me these stories), but as of last night, I have reached the state called "Coyote Pregnant."

Midori introduced me to the concept a couple of weeks ago. She described it as "being willing to perform one's own C-section." She would know, she has three kids.

I searched home remedies for inducing labor last night, and while I won't detail them all here, because they are guh-ross, I will say that a favorite is castor oil. I had thought of castor oil as some old Appalachian remedy (they were always administering it on "The Waltons"), but apparently it can be purchased and consumed by modern people...desperate, pregnant, modern people who start to expel the contents of their intestines and hopefully uteruses within hours of taking it. For now, I will pass.

Yesterday at the office, people seemed disappointed to see me, like, oh you're still here. I'm now a fifth-season dramedy that people have stopped watching for lack of plot advancement. It is getting embarrassing to still be on the air.

While I confess today to being Coyote Pregnant (and not yet Castor Oil pregnant), I realize that if I stay pregnant until Sunday, I will have nothing to write about. I may be inventing a new category of pregnant that describes being willing to take castor oil and perform your own C-section with safety scissors.