Unhealthy Sleep Habits, Unhappy...Everybody

Once, when Lu was two and a half, I was bragging to someone at a party (a sweet woman named Kristina) about what a good sleeper Lu was. I  pitied this poor woman, who was pregnant and worried about the fact that she still had to stroll her kid around the block to get it to sleep, and what would she do when the new baby came. Oh, bless your heart, I thought smugly, you not only have created bad sleep habits, but you've also gone and done a super crazy thing like have another baby. God smote me. That very night, my perfect sleeper began escaping from the crib, setting into motion a set of bad sleep habits that it took a good three months to undo.

Fast forward six years (yes, I was crazy enough to have another one) and here I am again (though Milo is a full year older than Lu was when the sleep shenanigans started). I am not sure who I bragged to, but I am being punished. Milo's sleep-related crimes:

Waking up in the middle of the night. We have let him come "sleep" in our bed. He ends up perpendicular to us both, usually with his feet in my ribs. Oh, and he snores which amounts to two men sleeping and snoring and one woman seething.

Waking up at 5. Almost every morning. Like some kind of rooster that says "DADDY, IT'S WAKE UP TIME." We let him in the bed with us and tell him to go back to sleep, it is not wake-up time. Instead he explores our facial orifices and asks every few minutes, in a stage whisper, "IS IT WAKE UP TIME YET?"

Peeing in the bed. This I can forgive, as he is three years old.

Peeing on the bed. As in, removing his pants and underwear and taking a protest piss onto his mattress. After he does it, he will yell, "MOM, I PEED!"

Getting out of bed, turning on the light and playing with his toys. Honestly, if he is quiet, I don't care if he does this. But he can now open the door to his room, the snack drawer, the front door, etc. so this requires a whole new level of Milo-proofing that we are too disorganized to manage.

Being a sleep-deprived jerk. Even the teachers at school have commented on his, er, attitude.

We are all tired. Even Clifford. This has to stop. Do they make pediatric doses of Ambien?